(熱門)英語小笑話15篇
英語小笑話1
Baby bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table .
熊寶寶走到樓下坐在他的小餐桌椅上。
He looks into his small bowl.It is empty!
他窺探著他的小碗。碗是空的`。
"Who's been eating my porrodge?"he squeaks .
他吱吱叫說：“誰吃了我的麥片粥?”
Daddy bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chiar.
熊爸爸來到桌邊坐在他的太椅子上。
He looks into his big bowl .It is also empty!
他窺探著他的大碗.碗也是空的。
"Who is been eating my porridge?"he roars .
他太聲吼叫說：“誰吃了我的麥片粥?”
Mummy bear puts her head though the serving hatch from the kitchen and scream .
熊媽媽把她的頭從廚房的端菜口伸出來尖聲叫著：
"For God's sake,how many time do we have to go though this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
“看在老天的份上，我們還得忍受這樣子多少次呢?我還沒做麥片粥啦!”
A man walks into a confession booth and says,"I have sinned."
有一個男人走進告解室說：“我犯罪了”。
"What did you do?"asks the priest.
神父 問 ：“你做了什么?”
"I committed a murder."
“我犯了謀殺罪”
The priest says,"take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."
神父說：“你喝一口圣杯的圣水，你就得饒恕。”
A man walks into the confession booth and says ,"I have sinned."
有一個男人走進告解室說：“我犯罪了”。
The priest asks him ,"what did you do?"
神父問他： “你做了什么?”
"I robbed six banks."
“我搶了六家銀行”
The priest says, "take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."
神父說：“你喝一口圣杯的圣水，你就得饒恕。”
Another man walks into the confession booth and says ," I have sinned ."
另一個男人走進告解室說：“我犯罪了”。
" What did you do?" asks the priest,
神父問：“你做了什么?”
"I broke the holy cup."
“我把圣杯打破了”。
A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy apaper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money - The dogtrotted off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper.
"How much did you give him?" asked the owner.
"Five dollars.
"Well, that explains it. When you give him five dollars, he goes to a movie."
一位養狗人宣稱：要是給了愛犬錢，它便會到賣報亭買份報紙來。他的朋友堅持要來個演示，并給了狗一些錢。狗一溜小跑著去了。但一個小時過去了，仍不見它帶報紙回來。
“你給了它多少錢?”狗的主人問。
“五元。”
“這就是了。你給它五元錢時，它就去看電影。”
英語小笑話2
two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。
"look," said the elder brother. "how nice these paintings are!"
“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀!”
"yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. where is the father?"
“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”
the elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "obviously he was painting the pictures."
哥哥想了一會兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”
英語小笑話3
Outside Games There are many outside game like running, skating, swimming, horse-racing, hunting, flying kites, walking-races. Of course, football is an out game. Basketball, badminton and so on are also outside game. Some people like outside games, but others like indoor games. They like playing billiard, chess, cards, table tennis.. Outdoor games invoke more and faster movement. Some active people like them. Indoor games are quiet and involve less movement. Do you like outside games or indoor game?
英語小笑話4
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”
中間的'商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。
Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.
"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."
"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"
很高興認識你
在第二次世界大戰中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個大軍營中工作，當然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。
一天晚上她在舞會上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對她說，“我明天就要出國，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會很高興。”瓊同意了，于是他們幾個月里一直通著信。
后來，他再沒有來信。她收到了另一個軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個部隊醫院里。
瓊到了醫院，她對護士長說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”
“這里只有親屬可以探望病人。”護士長說。
“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹。”
“很高興認識你，”護士長說，“我是他的母親。”
Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
兩名士兵
軍營里有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”
比爾說：“有。”然后把信紙和信封給了喬治。
喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完后把信放進信封里，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。
這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”
比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。
喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。
“你還要什么?”比爾問。
喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五個月
第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。
可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。
“你多大了?”軍醫問。
“十八，長官。”約翰說。
“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”
約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。”
英語小笑話5
saying a prayer for his christmas meal圣誕節晚宴上的餐前禱告
lee, a seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the christmas dinner. the family members bowed their heads in expectation. lee began his prayer, thanking god for his mommy, daddy, brothers, sister, grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. then he began to thank god for the food.
有個小男孩叫lee, 今年七歲，圣誕節晚餐開桌前，家人讓他做餐前禱告。家人都帶著期待的'申請低頭看著他，lee開始做他得禱告，首先，他謝謝上帝賜予他爸爸媽媽，哥哥姐姐誒，奶奶還有他們家的所有叔叔嬸嬸。然后，他開始感謝上帝賜予他得圣誕節晚餐了。
he gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. after a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "if i thank god for the brussels sprouts, won't he know that i'm lying?"
他感謝上帝賜予他火雞，餡兒餅，圣誕布丁和紅莓醬。然后lee停下來了 ，大家等啊等啊……lee沉默了很長時間，然后抬起頭看著他媽媽說：“媽媽，如果我感謝上帝賜予我甘藍菜，他會知道我在撒謊嗎?”
p.s:
國外很多小孩子都不喜歡吃甘藍菜，不知道為什么，看《絕望主婦》里面lynette家的雙胞胎就非常討厭吃甘藍菜，請了保姆后還拿這個來做實驗，看看她們家保姆有沒有魅力讓兩個小鬼頭把甘藍菜吃下去。
英語小笑話6
after friends of mine landed at busy newwark airport, they were unable to attract the attention of any porters to help with their luggage. in desperation, the husband took out a five-dollar bill and waved it above the crowd.
我的朋友們在繁忙的.紐瓦克機場著陸后，他們卻不能招呼到腳夫來幫他們搬行李。無奈，丈夫拿出一張五美元的鈔票在人群上面搖晃。
in an instant, a skycap was at his side. sir, observed the porter, you certainly have excellent communication skills.
一個帶寬邊帽的人馬上來到他身邊。“先生，”腳夫說道，“很明顯你有絕妙的交際技巧。”
英語小笑話7
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him. The lieutenant said sternly, "You did not salute me. For this you must immediately salute one hundred times."
Just then the general came up. When he saw the poor private about to begin, he exclaimed, "What's all this?"
The lieutenant explained, "This ignoramus(無知的人) failed to salute me. I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment.”
"Quite right," replied the general smiling, "But do not forget, sir, that upon each occasion you are to salute return."
有個士兵沒有注意到一個年輕的陸軍中尉，沒有向他敬禮。中尉很嚴厲地對那個士兵說：“你沒有向我敬禮，因此你要馬上敬100個禮。”
這時候將軍過來了。他看到那個可憐的'士兵就要開始敬禮時，就大聲問道：“這是怎么啦?”
中尉解釋說：“這個蠢貨沒有向我敬禮，我就罰他馬上向我敬一百個禮。”
將軍笑著說：“完全正確。不過，老弟，別忘了他向你每敬一個禮，你都要回禮的啊!”
英語小笑話8
a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"
英語小笑話9
Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.
Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!
弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但“從不過熱----見好就收”。一天他突發奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。
他回來即嘆道：“噓！謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了！”
英語小笑話10
a doctor came into the hospital ward and said to mr. johnson, "i have some good news and some bad news for you."
一位醫生走進醫院的'病房，告訴強森先生：“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你。”
then mr. johnson said, "please, give me the good news first."
強森先生說：“請先告訴我好消息吧!”
so the doctor said, "the doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."
醫生說：“本院的醫師決定用你的名字，來為一種不治之癥命名。”
英語小笑話11
What are the Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
是哪兩個詞？
一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的`”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應我嗎？
噢，當然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞？
英語小笑話12
Story 18 Who Pours Ink on My Chair? Donny is a seven year old boy. He goes to school every day. The school is near his home. So he goes there on foot and comes back home on time. But today, he is late. His mother asks him, “Why do you go to the headmaster’s office?” “Because the teacher asks us a question in class and nobody can answer it, but I can.” “It’s good to answer the teacher’s question.” “But the question is ‘Who pours ink on my chair?’”
英語小笑話13
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
英語小笑話14
When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."
由于我的打印機不能打印出清晰的字來，我就打電話給維修部。電話是一位非常和藹的男人接的，他說我的打印機也許只是需要清理一下。
他還說，如果讓維修部清理的.話要交50英鎊的清理費，讓我最好看看使用手冊自己試著清理。
當時我真的被他的話感動了，就問他：“你們老板知道你這樣拒絕生意么？”
“事實上，這就是我們老板的主意，”雇員答道：“因為如果我們讓用戶先自行修理打印機的話就能掙更多的錢。”
英語小笑話15
erry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!
杰瑞去看精神病醫生。“醫生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的'時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了!”“給我一年時間，”醫生說，“每周來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”杰瑞答道。六個月后醫生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“為什么你再也沒來呢?”醫生問。“一次一百塊錢嗎?有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉。現在那沒人了!”
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